Dr. Laura – Relationship Prespectives
Q – What is a proper amount of time to be engaged?
A – The proper amount of time to be engaged is whatever amount of time it takes for the couple to have additional clarity as to whether or not they “are a match.” Being “in love” and having had a number of years together is great, but not sufficient to determine the potential quality of a marital relationship. It is often during the engagement period that people truly find out each other’s character and personality, since this is generally the “let it all out” time as people relax. Also, it is important to note how each deals with stress (drugs, alcohol, fights, depression, fights, generosity, helpfulness, etc.). Don’t forget…it is a far, far better thing you do to cancel a wedding than ignore realities for years and then divorce with children. So, if I had to give you a “guess-timate”, 1 year minimum should be sufficient amount of time to be engaged.
Q – What do you do if you don’t get along with your mother-in-law to-be and what is the best way to tell your significant other?
A -You do not tell your spouse that you don’t like the woman who gave birth to him/her and raised them to be the person you’ve chosen to marry. The Commandment of honoring “Thy Father and Mother” includes in-laws. They are not your equals and are to be given the respect they’ve earned. So, don’t argue with them. If you don’t agree with something they’ve said just let it go into the wind. Do not torture your spouse with your anger or hurt with their parent. It hurts them and the marriage. If an in-law is clearly dangerous or destructive, they should be avoided.
Q – If a woman is ready for her guy to commit to marriage, what is the best way to hint at engagement without scaring him off?
A -No woman should be begging a man to marry her; no woman should demean herself by demanding or manipulating a man into getting engaged to her. I mean, really, why should any woman want a man who doesn’t worship the ground she walks on? One problem is that with shacking up and out-of-wedlock sex, many guys feel less inclined to marry and take on responsibilities. If after two years of “serious dating” a man has not asked for marriage, tell him that you have no intention of dating for chuckles, and that you want to settle down. If that is not his intention, you’re on your way.
Q – Do you think it is wise to get married while still in college?
A - It is not wise to get married at a time when you are in college as your financial obligations and time constraints do not lend themselves to quality family time. Men should not even date until they have the ability to take care of a family.
Q -How do you agree and stay out of arguments with your fiancé when it comes to planning a wedding?
A - My notion of the “perfect” marriage is when both people are consumed by a drive to make the other’s life worth living; fighting to get your way is not included. If your fiancé wishes something at the wedding, and you’re unwilling to bend and give it to ‘em, you’re not being a very good almost spouse. It doesn’t matter if all the colors match. It matters only that you take care of each other. There should never be an argument about wedding stuff.
Q -You love your fiancé, but what do you do if he has an annoying habit that you absolutely cannot stand?
A - Imagine being married to him for fifty years — fifty lovely years with wonderful memories. And then he dies. Are you going to think about that annoying habit with anger, or will you miss it? Because it means he’s no longer with you. Major character issues and a consistent pattern of socially unacceptable, thoughtless, unkind, mean behaviors should result in a broken engagement. Little quirks, no matter how annoying, should be accepted as a small part of a lovely package deal. Besides, have you noticed your behavior for three to four days each month?
Q -How long should couples wait to have kids after getting married?
A - Couples should wait until they have the mindset and finances to have mom be a stay-at-home mom.
