Before You Say “I Do”: Conversations Every Couple Must Have

The Conversations That Matter Most

When couples ask Dr. Dixon what they should discuss before marriage, her answer is consistent: start with values. “When couples have shared values,” she explains, “large decisions — where to live, how to raise children, how to practice faith — become decisions you make together rather than sources of conflict.”

Beyond values, she recommends working through a specific list before the wedding day: where you’ll live short and long-term, how careers align with family plans, whether and when to have children, faith backgrounds and how you’ll practice them together, financial habits and expectations, extended family dynamics, and parenting styles. “Having these conversations allows you to build a life with a detailed, respectful game plan you both created — one based on shared values rather than assumptions.”

What are the most important conversations couples should have before getting married?

Couples could have many conversations before getting married. But the conversations that are most important are conversations about values. When couples have shared values, large decisions like where to live, how to raise children, and how to practice religion or spirituality become decisions that you make together rather than sources of conflict.

As for actual conversations, begin by discussing where you’d like to live (short and long-term) and how careers align with family plans. Will you have children? If so, when and how many? Discuss each of your faith backgrounds and beliefs. Discuss how you will incorporate faith into everyday life, holidays, and traditions. Money is another conversation you should have before marriage. Talk about budgets, saving, spending, and more. Don’t forget to discuss extended family as well as family dynamics. Lastly, discuss parenting styles and how you will co-parent.

Having these conversations allows you to build a life with your partner that has a detailed, respectful game plan you both created. One that is based on shared values rather than assumptions.

What are healthy ways to handle conflict in a marriage?

A good way to begin healthy conflict resolution in marriage is to recognize intent versus impact. Keep telling yourself that your partner loves you and is not trying to hurt you. If you can keep believing this, you will be able to listen without getting defensive and actually hear what your partner is feeling.
During the discussion remind yourself that the goal is not to win or make your partner wrong. You both want to feel heard and want your needs met when you communicate. Find a way to allow each other the space to listen. Solve the problem together and keep the relationship intact by compromising.

How to deal with a partner who is ‘comfortable’ in the relationship and does not try to help out with chores, kids, romance?

When one person becomes complacent and stops pulling their weight around the house (figuratively and literally), resentment can build quickly. And when that happens, you might start questioning your relationship. Which is why it’s so important to nip that feeling in the bud long before resentment has a chance to grow. Don’t wait until you feel totally disconnected from your partner to talk about what you need.

Begin by explaining to your partner what specifically isn’t feeling fair and how it’s affecting you. Tell them what you need in specific terms and ask them to do the same. This isn’t about laying blame: it’s about communication and collaboration. Communication about how you can better balance the load between you when it comes to chores, kids, and keeping the spark alive. Together you can get back on track and feel connected again.

Is there any proper advice to warn couples against becoming complacent in a relationship?

Work. Continue to work at your relationship every day. A healthy relationship is not a final destination that you “arrive” at. It’s like your career. You don’t stop learning and growing to “ARRIVE.” You and your partner are constantly growing as people, which allows you to grow as a couple. Each season of your lives will allow you to see things differently, bring new challenges and help you connect in different ways.
My one piece of advice would be this… Never stop dating each other. Ask questions. Try new things. Feed the friendship that is at the foundation of your relationship. If you work on growing together, you will continue to build on the connection you created on day one and stay passionately connected forever.

Keeping the Fire Burning

Tips and tricks to keep the romance alive:

What is the importance of emotional intimacy maintenance, date nights, touch, and saying ‘thank you’ throughout the week?

Maintaining romance begins with emotional intimacy. Remind your partner that you see them, hear them, know them and still chose to be with them every single day. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Set the expectation that each week will include date night, love notes and random texts telling them you’re thinking about them. Give them hugs and kisses. Hold their hand, touch their arm. Make sure you show appreciation for the small things they do. Tell them thank you. Physical touch is just as important. Kiss good morning and good night. snuggle on the couch. Leave them love notes. Give compliments when they’re deserved. Make time for mini date nights throughout the week. By simply being intentional about emotional intimacy, you will find that romance will endure.

What is one habit you see in couples who have very strong marriages?

One habit that I see in couples who have a very strong marriage is a willingness to forgive.

How can couples present a united front when dealing with family pressure?

One of my favorite techniques is deciding as a team. When something comes up (an invite, family tradition, tough decision) pause and say, “I want to talk with my partner before I decide.” If you and your partner do this together routinely, suddenly decisions are made as a team in everyone’s minds. You are presenting a united front.
The caveat here is to then talk and present your decision united. You might not always agree 100% every time you sit down but if you take that steady stand your family will notice.

Any advice for parents with special needs children regarding the toll it takes on the marriage?

Parenting a special needs child can bring added stress to your marriage and that is completely normal. Every child has different needs. When you factor in the needs of your child on top of life’s everyday stressors it can become overwhelming. View yourselves as a team that faces this challenge together and rely on each other for support instead of going solo. Communicate with one another. Tell your spouse about your day, how you’re feeling. Be clear about what you need from them. Do you need a night to yourself? Someone to vent to about your day? A break to regain your sanity? Understand each other’s strengths and divide tasks according to what you’re each good at. Allow time for the small things too: check in with each other frequently, leave each other cute sticky notes, or have a shared moment of silence to relax. Reminding yourselves that you are in this together and treating each other with kindness will help you both stay strong.

While Dr. Dixon emphasizes the importance of shared values, communication, and daily intentionality, relationship expert Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario takes a deeper look at the emotional patterns and personal growth that influence long-term relationship success. Her perspective encourages couples to examine not only how they relate to each other, but also how they show up as individuals within the relationship.

Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario
Relationship Coach & Educator 

Why Engagement Is So Revealing

Engagement introduces pressure, timelines, and outside opinions, forcing couples to confront their decision-making dynamics, emotional maturity, and conflict-resolution styles. What emerges during this season is often a preview of marriage, just under heightened stress. Wedding planning, in particular, has a way of magnifying existing patterns. I often see conflict arise around financial expectations, family involvement, major decisions, and differing visions for both the wedding and the life that follows. It’s rarely about the flowers or the venue; it’s about control, communication, and whose voice carries the most influence within the relationship.

Essential financial and lifestyle conversations

Couples must move beyond surface-level discussions and address:
• Spending habits vs. saving priorities
• Debt, financial responsibilities, and transparency
• Career ambitions and work-life balance
• Expectations around gender roles, household responsibilities, and lifestyle pace
Avoiding these conversations doesn’t preserve harmony, it delays conflict.

Early Marriage Communication Issues

According to Dr. Del Rosario, many newly married couples struggle with issues that often go unspoken until they become sources of frustration. Common challenges include:

• Unspoken expectations
• Setting boundaries with family and friends
• Dividing household responsibilities
• Balancing individuality within the partnership
• Navigating conflict and disagreements

“Many couples assume, ‘We should just know,’ rather than taking the time to learn each other intentionally.”

Emotional Wellness & Relationship Healing

According to Dr. Del Rosario, healthy couples demonstrate:
• The ability to repair after conflict, not just avoid it
• Emotional regulation during disagreement
• Clear expression of needs without criticism
• Active listening without defensiveness

“It’s not about never arguing, it’s about how you argue and how quickly you repair”. Dr. Del Rosario shares subtle red flags indicating deeper compatibility issues. Some of the most dangerous red flags are the ones couples minimize:

• Consistent emotional invalidation disguised as “logic”
• Avoidance of difficult conversations
• Misalignment in values masked by chemistry
• One partner consistently over-functioning while the other under-functions

“Chemistry can distract you from incompatibility if you’re not grounded or understand its importance”.

Dr. Del Rosario emphasizes the critical role self-worth plays in relationship health, where self-worth shapes what you tolerate, what you pursue, and ultimately what you believe you deserve. When self-worth is low, people often find themselves choosing partners who reflect their unresolved wounds rather than their values. Healthy relationships, she explains, are not built on potential; they are built on what you believe you are worthy of receiving right now.

Recognizing and Resolving Negative Patterns:
According to Dr. Del Rosario, patterns often repeat until they are recognized and understood. To break unhealthy cycles, individuals must first identify their attachment style, emotional triggers, and typical conflict responses and communication styles.

• Their attachment style
• Their emotional triggers
• Their conflict responses and communication styles

Healing requires more than awareness, it requires accountability. Without intentional self-reflection and growth, people often find themselves recreating familiar relationship dynamics, even with a different partner.

Prioritizing your own well-being:
“You cannot sustain a healthy relationship while abandoning yourself. Prioritizing your emotional, mental, and physical well-being is not selfish it is foundational. A relationship should be an addition to your life, not your identity”.

Common mistakes without personal healing:
• Entering marriage believing love will fix unresolved trauma
• Expecting a partner to regulate your emotions
• Avoiding hard conversations to “keep the peace”
• Confusing attachment or dependency with love
Unhealed individuals often seek relationships for relief, not alignment.

Maintaining Intimacy After the Honeymoon Phase

Dr. Del Rosario underlines that intimacy is not sustained by feelings alone, it is sustained by intentional behaviors. She encourages couples to prioritize:

• Consistent emotional check-ins
• Quality time without distractions
• Maintaining curiosity about their partner
• Ongoing investment in both physical and emotional connection

“Love deepens when it is nurtured with discipline, not just desire”.

Establishing Healthy Family Boundaries

Dr. Del Rosario also stresses the importance of creating healthy boundaries with extended family early in marriage. A strong partnership begins with recognizing the couple—not the extended family—as the primary unit. This requires:

• Clear, unified boundaries
• Private alignment before making public decisions
• Respecting family relationships without allowing outside interference

Her advice is simple: “If you don’t define your boundaries, others will.”

Healthy Start To A Marriage

“I strongly recommend premarital counseling. It provides a structured space to explore compatibility, identify blind spots, and build tools before challenges arise. Strong couples prepare they don’t just hope for the best. Premarital therapy gets a trained expert in the
room to assist you in exploring these things before you say I DO”.

The Biggest Misconception About Marriage

“The belief that love alone is enough. Marriage is not sustained by feelings it is sustained by skills, discipline, emotional intelligence, shared values and importantly by commitment”.

One Piece of Advice Before Marriage

Don’t just ask, “Do I love this person?” Ask, “Are we compatible. The more aligned you are the less relational conflict you will have. The less conflict the happier you are and the less wear and tear on the relationship over time. Compatibility helps drive longevity.
A healthy relationship is not two people completing each other it is two whole individuals choosing each other daily, while continuously growing. Healing is not a phase you complete before love; it is a lifelong commitment you bring into it. The strongest marriages are not perfect they are intentional, self-aware, and emotionally safe.

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

Although their approaches differ, both experts arrive at the same conclusion: successful marriages are built long before the wedding day. Whether it’s discussing finances, defining family boundaries, understanding conflict styles, or prioritizing emotional intimacy, the work couples do before marriage creates the framework for everything that follows.

Love may be the reason two people choose each other, but as Dr. Dixon and Dr. Del Rosario remind us, lasting relationships require far more than feelings alone. They require communication, self-awareness, forgiveness, shared values, and a commitment to continue growing—both individually and together.

Before you say “I do,” take the time to have the conversations that matter. The strongest marriages aren’t formed by chance; they’re created through intention, understanding, and the daily choice to invest in one another.